A day of two halves

Well today was the first forum session of the semester. A good turn out and three papers, all of which were thought provoking and stimulating. Although hit is never a good thing when your tummy is rumbling all the way through the session - barely audible but still threatening to let a roaring growl out at some inappropriate moment of stillness!

And not only was the session fairly successful - if you discount the miniscule response in the Q&A (must work on the formatting of this session to get more discussion going) - but I came back to discover a friend on Facebook had blogged a cartoon from a site called PHD - piled higher and deeper - a humorous site looking at the life and times of PhD students. Now life isn't perfect , the site is American! Like everything in life you can't escape the stateside effect - but it is FUNNY!!!!!

That makes me sound like am a bit anti American, nothing could be further than the truth! I'd happily move there tomorrow if they'd have me! But the humour can sometimes be very different and I don't often find American 'funnies' all that, well, funny! But this site is -well for lack of a better word - funny! :D

I am so limited in my knowledge of what's 'out there' - other people are all clued up on their researching resources, their humour, their social life - and yet I am like Moses in the wilderness waiting for some divine pronouncement to lift me from the mediocrity!!

AH! Slowly slowly - I'll get there!

Epiphany moment in forum regarding the structure and approach to the 3rd chapter on Blast!!! Hopefully I am getting there!

The decisions we take...

... can have far reaching consequences. I made the move to a different university to do my masters because I thought it would be good for both my cv and my own personal development. I initially thought it was the best decision all round as I seemed to have landed on my feet, in a very supportive and nurturing academic environment.

However over the last year or so I get this increasing unease that I am the face that doesn't fit - the round peg in the square hole, the odd one out. I am occupying a liminal space!

True I am a slow burner and my progress isn't as explosive as some but I work hard and have commitment which deserves some recognition.

I keep hearing about supervisors who take their students out for lunch or coffee or drinks and yet I get an interview in a sterile office, with a luke warm cup of over brewed coffee if I am lucky - sometimes I don't even get offered that. Plus I get the sense that it will never be any different.

After Saturday's relative success I felt more at home with my old tutors ( all of whom turned out) than I ever have where I am ...

One of my old tutors made the effort to take me to one side to tell me how much she had enjoyed my writing, and how she knew I would make a successful career out of academia; she recalled one essay I wrote as brilliant. She is a leading expert in the feild I work in and responsible in many respects for me following the path I am. I am beginning to wonder if my time here is having more of a detrimental effect than a good one, seeing as the last time I got any praise was over 18 months ago. There is far too much stick and not enough carrot.

Is it too late to think I made a mistake and change back? Or would I be merely running away? I am always up for a fight but as I seem to be able to do nothing right where I am, I am wondering if I am wasting my time and energy even trying?

So today is a pretty shit day - once again feeling like I will never belong to anything!

I feel like I have run out of brilliance. Clearly I am having a bad day!

Driech

Never in the English- pardon me - SCOTS language was a better word invented than that of 'driech'.

It can cover a multitude of matters from the weather to your mood, from the colour of a worn out old raincoat to the jaded attitude of a worn out old hack.

Today - is 'dreich'.

Melancholy, grey, damp round the edges, today has the feel of damp mouldy washing, that never quite dried, left to fester on an airer in a cold room, denied the benefit of being kissed dry by a warm sun. Dank. Mouldy. October.

Is it any wonder that the faces of folk you pass look like slack bleached sack cloth, pock marked with the chill, eyes sunken, blacked and bagged with the weary knowledge that we have months of this ahead.

Dreary. Having to drag chilly bones from the enveloping warmth of a feather down quilt, still emanating the collected body heat of the night's rest - or in my case unrest!

Insomnia - is dreich. It's tiresome, tedious, monotonous, soul-draining, and incomprehensible. Why when your body is sagging with tiredness, and your mouth is clawed by un-stifflable yawns do you lay on your bed awake, for hours, watching the florescent numbers of the alarm clock liquidly morph from 2 to 3 to 4, each hour bringing you closer to the inevitable, respite denied. Sleep deprivation is never good but it can be endured if there is an understandable reason for it. Such as when you have an infant squalling for milk at 3 am, or a sick child running a temperature, or an exam the next day which you feel under prepared for, or an essay which is a 1000 words short of its limit, but when it seems a matter of your own mind working against you - for no justifiable cause or reason - it sucks!

I make no apology for today's dreichness, or my own dreichness for that matter. I am tired. Headachey, tired and weary. It wouldn't have been so bad if, after an endless night, the sun had deigned to make its presence felt ... but no. I am clearly experiencing Dante's inferno... the question is a matter of simply working out exactly which level of hell I am on.

LAYOUTS

A big shout out to the lady who has been labouring away to provide me with a less generic look - My blog has been Gok'ed! Instead of wearing the loose elasticated bloomers provided by blogger, it's now cinched into the blog equivalent of agent provocateur!

A little dash of racy purple, unctuous pink and a tickle of a feather quill never hurt anyone!

No, it isn't perfect! Nothing in life ever is , it is always a case of a little tweak here, a little pinch there until it 'fits' and you feel 'yes I can live with that!

If we were talking in analogies (or cliches) here I would equate the current template as 'Daddy Bear's Bed' with me as Goldilocks - I have a few more beds to try out before it will feel just right!

If Carling wrote Blog Titles...

... they would be THE most interesting blog titles ever.

Headache GO AWAY!

I am ploughing my way through the reading - my ideas of yesterday have all gone squoosh in my brain and feel very wobbly!

However the sun is shining! Yeah!

However I am not in my office. Boo!

It's too damn dark and dreary and the florescent light is making my head worse!

Complaint of the day - US SPELLCHECKERS!! I am British - I am not a nationalist and I am not a fundamental Britain is best type of chick - I adore most things pond-side BUT, BUT, BUT, WHY FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS CHOCOLATEY DO WE HAVE TO HAVE U.S. SPELLCHECKER AS A DEFAULT! I am too old to suddenly drop double letters, add z's instead of s's and , miss out u's! I spell things CORRECTLY and up they pop as a mistake... then the doubt sets in? Have I actually misspelt the word? Is it that spelling - or is that an American spelling? Quibble, Quibble, Quibble!

It is slowly driving me insane - even when I CHOOSE UK spellchecker it defaults back to bloody U.S.!!!

As if it isn't hard enough writing all this goobledegook without needing to double, triple, quadruple check that your darned spellchecker is on the right setting!!!!

I once, in a very tired state, re-edited and entire piece because between edits, the computer, with a mind of its own, changed the default dictionary back to U.S. !!!!!!!!

THIS IS NOT FUNNY PEOPLE!!!!

Soooo, the rain it's bouncing off the paving slabs, drenching through everything and depriving my office of what little daylight there is - Autumn is obviously here! All hopes for an indian summer have been dashed by the laden black clouds that are constantly brooding over the hills, waiting to dump their watery load when you least expect it.

Day FOUR! yes day four! By jove this girl has the ability to surprise herself - and I don't feel as tired as I was either! Maybe there is something in this getting up early lark!

Now - thesis - plan for today - to come up with a plan m'lord, a cunning plan!

Blackadder:Am I jumping the gun here, Baldrick?- Or are the words "I have a cunning plan" marching with ill-deserved confidence in the direction of this conversation?

Baldrick: They certainly are!

Blackadder: Well, forgive me if I don´t jump up and down with glee. Your record in this department isn´t exactly a 100 per cent!

Hmmmmm well that certainly sums it up!!!

day Three in the Ph.D House and the Pimpernel is nowhere to be seen??

Well that's not true - I am here, in the office ready for day! After a great day in the NLS yesterday researching it has finally hit me I have to have a more cohesive strategy for this research. My haphazard attitude is no good! I need to draw up a chapter plan and stick to it!

It's so bewildering - and everyone else seems so clued up on it all! I keep thinking what am I missing (apart from the correct brain formation and genetic material for brilliance).

So today- I am mostly trying to think about what exactly interests me in this material and what would be interesting and practical to research! And what actually constitutes a PhD! And hopefully it will be original and I shall get some gold stars this year instead of feeling the utter failure I did last yr!

Oh Lord! It's just beginning to sound too much like a tall order!