You spin me right round baby, right round!

... So it appears there is a rather good reason as to why I have been feeling out of sorts. I have - it's a gobful so be warned - benign paroxysmal positional vertigo!!! Oh yes! None of your run o'the mill dizzy spells for me ... I get BPPV! It should be easy enough to get rid of, as I have to do some exercises! These exercises involve lying on the bed on one side then the other ... that I can do! What I do find difficult though is lying on one of those medical couches and being asked to 'flip over' onto my other side ... that could not have looked pretty from behind!

So I haven't been terribly productive as regards my Ph.D. I spent sometime discovering the world of Pierre Bourdieu, a French sociologist, anthropologist and philosopher who has developed a theory of symbolic violence which will hopefully provide a sufficiently sturdy framework from which to hang my thesis.

Symbolic violence in a nutshell is linguistic violence, language that in some way uses cultural norms or idioms to oppress and dominate. This is a perfect theory to expand several of my key ideas regarding the militaristic rhetoric of suffrage literature and the rhetorical violence exhibited by Vorticists and West. I've read a few snatches of the books I bought and so far he hasn't resorted to dense incomprehensible twaddle that many philosophers think is the bedrock of philosophical thought. Thank F8ck for Amazon!  Even though I am a little rusty on my Saussure and Chomsky, I still vaguely remember the basics which should help me out negotiating these new ideas. Ironically I discovered Bourdieu (you have to read this with an atrociously bad nasal French accent - it's the only way I can seem to say it - read it even!) reading a book that doesn't really relate to what I am writing about - but her introduction has given me so many pointers for my own work. It was only released in June, and surprisingly it was in the library (which is just as well as it is £48 on Amazon!) so that was a lucky find! Maybe this little piece of the jigsaw will help! It's like finding all the edge pieces and making the frame - the middle bit seems to naturally follow.

From The Literary Gift Company.

I had a despairing email from a colleague of mine, who has declared the state of his writer's block has reached unprecedented levels and for some reason this proved reassuring! So I am not alone  - the cosmos is not conspiring against me!


Thanks for the comments of support. The words of 'virtual' friends can be deeply reassuring when you are sat staring at a blank screen and a blinking cursor wondering where the hell your next sentence is going to come from! 


have a good weekend and hope to see you all bright and early on Monday! 

Th Search Engine...

... is the most important and integral piece of technology to any researcher ... it is meant to be your friend and your ally and to make life EASIER! BE WARNED - it is NOT and it DOES NOT! It is the most bloody infuriating part of research work ever invented! Every web archive runs their search engine on a different criteria, using different methods ( I still have no idea what the term Boolean means - answers on a postcard please!)

Today I have been scouring the electronic resources available to me trying to locate and article written in January 1930 - (or possibly December 1929), supposedly in The Bookman (a London review). I have the title the author's name, the (apparent) publication, issue, date etc etc etc. Oh I can find the publication but now it appears that article is not in that magazine!

So - you begin again, looking to find the actual article, when it was printed and in what publication. It doesn't stop there. If you are able to find these facts then you have to start actually trying to track down a credible copy or edition of the magazine concerned or a reprint of the article in an anthology. This usually results in one copy in the bowels of a single library in Arkansas - why Arkansas? I have no idea but it seems that most British literary archives somehow make their way over the pond to the greater United States of America!

This is all well and good - if you can find out the facts in the first place. Searching through an archive online is a precarious business. It will allow you to search via all sorts of criteria - ostensibly! But let's face things full on here, do they actually work? Not often.

Today I entered this criteria in a search engine for the Partisan Review 'The Story of the Little Magazines' - entered 'article title' and got back no results. Which is to be expected... but then in insolently red italic lettering is the question - Do you mean the mystery of the missing princess?

Pardon?

No I bleeding well don't you imbecilic patronising bloody excuse for a search engine! If I had meant 'the mystery of the missing princess' the chances are I would have not put in 'the story of the little magazines'! would I?!?

And breath!

As if it isn't bad enough that finding the resources in the first place is hard enough or that my macbook has decided not to load -EVER -that the one archive I use nearly everyday on line, or that the library has very little in the way of resources other than electronic databases - NOW I HAVE TO PUT UP WITH BEING PATRONISED BY THE BLOODY SEARCH ENGINES AS WELL!!!!!

And yes, another deep breathe needed!

So I am back to square one - the book isn't clearly referenced as to where it got its information from, the google search throws up an inaccurate reference sending me on a wild goose chase, and all in all for 2 hours work I have NOTHING! NADA! NIENTE! ZILCH! ZERO!

In summary - what a load of old bollocks!

Of course I could be 'doing it wrong' .... hmmmmmmmm

Still, for a moment there I forgot all about my IBS! ;)

LAYOUTS

A big shout out to the lady who has been labouring away to provide me with a less generic look - My blog has been Gok'ed! Instead of wearing the loose elasticated bloomers provided by blogger, it's now cinched into the blog equivalent of agent provocateur!

A little dash of racy purple, unctuous pink and a tickle of a feather quill never hurt anyone!

No, it isn't perfect! Nothing in life ever is , it is always a case of a little tweak here, a little pinch there until it 'fits' and you feel 'yes I can live with that!

If we were talking in analogies (or cliches) here I would equate the current template as 'Daddy Bear's Bed' with me as Goldilocks - I have a few more beds to try out before it will feel just right!

day Three in the Ph.D House and the Pimpernel is nowhere to be seen??

Well that's not true - I am here, in the office ready for day! After a great day in the NLS yesterday researching it has finally hit me I have to have a more cohesive strategy for this research. My haphazard attitude is no good! I need to draw up a chapter plan and stick to it!

It's so bewildering - and everyone else seems so clued up on it all! I keep thinking what am I missing (apart from the correct brain formation and genetic material for brilliance).

So today- I am mostly trying to think about what exactly interests me in this material and what would be interesting and practical to research! And what actually constitutes a PhD! And hopefully it will be original and I shall get some gold stars this year instead of feeling the utter failure I did last yr!

Oh Lord! It's just beginning to sound too much like a tall order!

Monday Morning

The Office, before the cock crows, me and the cleaner. This is week two of the 'new regime' - the early bird catches the very elusive worm that is a 'Ph.D'! This particular bird has been groveling around now for the past year trying to find the kernel of a real idea, original and interesting enough to research and is bemoaning the fact she picked little magazines!

Too many, too much!

Everyone else is chatting about 'finishing this chapter' - I don't even have an outline let alone a chapter! There is time - right? Finishing year one and still being confused is normal - right?

This blog is to help me get through the stress of trying to be a Ph.D student - which isn't as easy at it may sound when you are deeply insecure and rattling around an old building full of ambulant brains! Why the allusion to the Scarlet Pimpernel - well for a year now I have been the lesser spotted Ph.D student around these parts - wandering the hallowed halls in a miasma of uncertainty, insecurity and low self-esteem. Well no one can get rid of that but me ... so this is step two in the positive steps to success guide I am creating for myself as I go along.

Step One was - a regular working routine - up and out, get a parking space ( a bit like the got to get a double seat refrain Ben Elton chanted in the 90s) and get into the office before 9 am... everyday!!! So far so good!

Step Two - find things that inspire you and encourage you to keep going! Success stories, ways of expressing yourself, allowing your feelings to escape, admitting your finding it hard, writing it down - A BLOG! So far - day one and so good!

Step Three - this one is harder, I need a more regular diet and exercise regime. Sitting on my backside for the past 7 years has done my arse no favours! I need to get fit! FIT BODY FIT MIND!

I'll stop there - I am turning into my own life coach!

I found it reassuring this weekend to read the obit of Marilyn French, who went back to university after her divorce and got her Ph.D at 42 - well I will be 44 ('ish) so this was kind of comforting - I mean MARILYN FRENCH is like a BIG name in feminist circles. B-I-G! Her first book came out five years later ( I am liking the timings of this better and better) when she was 47! Yes people read it and laugh with me - FORTY SEVEN! Older than me!! Her first book was a thesis on James Joyce - modernist supremo! So what I conclude is, it ain't over! Age is no barrier and you don't have to be born with a dictionary in your mouth to become an academic! No sireeeee! All this is reassuring when you are sat in your office, alone, on a drizzly Monday morning looking at the stack of information around you thinking - 'shit! wtf do I do with all this?'

So today's blog, the inaugural one, is dedicated to mature students everywhere, but to Marilyn French in particular who is now sadly deceased, but she is continuing to inspire divorced wannabee academics like me with her achievements!

her obit is at http://www.legacy.com/Obituaries.asp?page=LifeStory&personId=126981295

one of my favourite quotes from MF is “Oh, God, why don't I remember that a little chaos is good for the soul?”...

a little chaos - well I can probably top that when all is said and done but I like to think that even at the ripe old age of 41 with 2 years still remaining to produce my Ph.d I am still in the race, even though I may be lagging and the bookies odds on me aren't that great - everyone loves it when the rank outsider pulls out in front after lolloping along at the back for most of the race! far more exciting than betting on a sure thing..

so place your bets... this rank outsider may surprise you all yet!