Paying it Forward

I like this because the image is from around 1910! 

... I was going to talk about marriage today, as a modern institution that is outdated and perhaps unnecessary. The reason being I may have been banging my gums repeatedly mentioned in the passing, several hundred times once or twice that I am pulling my hair out with  all the crap having a few problems with 'the ex' ... but it's just too depressing  complicated and needs a lot more brain power than I can muster. Also I have several reason why I do not think , at this time, it is a good idea to air my opinion about something that is clearly affecting my life just now:
A. I think it is unseemly to air one's personal dirty laundry publicly,
B. He is on my Facebook and may see it! and
C. I do get his point of view,BUT HE IS WRONG!!!!  I just disagree with it.

I am also not a fan of the one sided argument which blogs, forums and other internet outlets tend to support. Let's face it we all know there are three sides to every argument - his, hers and the truth!

So about marriage let's just say - I am not its biggest fan! I am not an entirely paid up member of the 'let's get divorced club' either ... I am more on the side of let's get rid of these archaic and unworkable institutions all together and stop shitting ourselves that they actually function! Now I have a LOT of thoughts on the pros and cons of marriage and maybe one day I will pluck up the courage to form them into a coherent few paragraphs, but right now I have a feeling it would degenerate into a rant ... which would be sooooo satisfying is never pretty!

Instead I thought would waffle on about the idea of 'pay it forward' because after a very odd and shitty week, a woman and a friend, who I know only virtually, has done something rather sweet and unexpected to cheer me up. When I asked what I could do in return her reply was, 'just pay it forward'. I am not even entirely sure she even knows the week I have had, which makes it even more spontaneous and unexpected.

If you've seen the film starring that boy who sees dead people you will be fully aware of what pay it forward means; basically if someone does you a good turn you do something good for someone else ... and so on and so forth. I like the theory but never experienced it in practice and I have to tell you it fair perked me up! I can't even tell you what it is she is offering because, well, it's a little shady and involves copy dvds! Shhhhhhhh

The lovely thing is I already know a man who I can pay this particular good deed forward to! I have a feeling there may be a few other folk who want to get their mitts on it as well - so form a queue!

So I think I shall declare today send the Pimpernel loads of pressies as pressies cheer her up exponentially day   
Pay It Forward Friday !
A positive note on which to end the week! As Fresher's looms I shall need all the positivity I can get.

As a consequence of this friends thoughtfulness, I have been musing about how many folk I have 'met' through the internet and how rarely I am disappointed when I actually meet them. I have many actual good real life friends now, which is largely down to online forums and facebook etc ... how life has changed. Years ago as a divorced single parent staying at home I would have had little or no opportunity to get out and about and meet new folks (especially after I moved here from England). But by the glory of the internet I have a whole virtual family who in times of need never fails to rally! I consider myself blessed. It never fails to amaze me what a virtual friend will do for you when the chips are down! Or how quickly you can get the feeling you really 'know' them!

So for those of you scared to commit and sitting on life's sidelines - get online and put yourself out there! There are some good people to get to know! And I reckon I am one of them! ;) ... Usual disclaimer about online safety applies - sometimes people may not be what they seem. He may look good in his picture but in reality, well ... let's just say it might not be quite what you were expecting! Also if he mentions the word 'swing' and 'fascism' in the same sentence I'd advise caution!


So to conclude and before I start making a dent in the weekend's supply of alcoholic beverages  in the words of Edward Everett Hale :

“I am only one, but I am one. I can't do everything, but I can do something. The something I ought to do, I can do. And by the grace of God, I will.”

If you do anything today make it a kind something, and look for nothing in return.

Have a good weekend folks!

Biting the Bullet

Bite Me!

So after some prevarication and a lot of procrastination I bit the bullet and emailed the supervisor.

I was honest - not a dissembling sentence in sight. I explained it had been a disruptive summer (what with dealing with my son's exam results and complicated 6th form career path) and that even though I had edited the bulk of my chapter the final portion was giving me some grief, to the point where I had hit a brick wall made up of thousands of tiny little writer's blocks! As a way of negotiating this hurdle I had returned to the books to continue researching in the hope that I would stumble across a huge sledge hammer with which to dismantle said wall.

I also explained that having discovered Bourdieu's theory of 'symbolic violence' I was intent on unravelling its complexities and making it workable with my own ideas about rhetorical violence aka vorticity. I think I made myself sound almost intelligent! Almost!

Then taking a huge gulping deep breath I decided to put forward the possibility that I maybe should take this semester off. I will be entering my 9th consecutive year of study since I began this roller coaster. I am more than a little exhausted and my brain feels wrung out. It's no good, getting older is not making it any easier! Sometimes I sit and literally scrabble around my head to remember what a word means, or to find the right word for a sentence. I am sure this never used to happen. Plus my memory is shocking and entirely of the short term gold fish variety which is not an advantage when you have to write up something over 3-4 years! Taking a break is a scary step - there is always the big risk you won't ever go back to it and I am determined to finish it. Not finishing this does not register with my brain! But then again not a lot does register with my brain just now!

I hit send before I could retract it. I did phrase it as a tentative enquiry, as in 'if one were to consider this how would one go about it' sort of thing.

So I sat for a wee while - then ping a reply! With bated breath I opened the email ( I may be making that sound slightly more tense than it actually was!). It had been rather quick so I wasn't expecting too much. Which was just as well as it was an out of office automated reply.

So in a way I have been offered a reprieve for the weekend! Sort of?

Today has been an exhausting day emotionally. I had to go to the bank and sort out paying for the holiday and closing off some savings that were offering practically no interest (damn recession). All was going well as I bought some snazzy new sun specs and was feeling brighter about life - when I got an email from my ex! Well, let's not go into the gory details here but let's just say it reminded me of why he was my ex! ;)

Off now to enjoy watching my daughter horse riding lesson. Hi ho and Awaaaaa-aaaaaaay!

Self - Esteem or lack there of.

**Self-indulgent whinge and pit of sorrow alert**


Instructions for reading this blog are as follows:
1. Fetch sick bucket
2. Don big boots for the arse kicking that may be required
3. Acquire a wet kipper, effective for cheek slapping when you are done reading
4. Adopt a sympathetic counsellor's sideways head tilt and non-commital facial expression - self pitying rants always look better from this angle!

I am having doubts. Bit fat hairy insidious creeping doubts that tell me I can't do this. I can't write, think or even read adequately enough to complete a Ph.D. I mean who do I think I am?

These doubts manifest themselves as an overwhelming panicky sensation- you know the sort of feeling you get when you dream you are in front of your entire old school naked and there they are, jeering at you. You feel all sweaty and flushed and your hands are a blur trying to cover bits that should never legitimately be out on public display. And all the time you think 'this is never going to end is it' ... and then with a bit of luck, before your sense of failure and shame can reach its nadir, you wake up flooded with relief.

Well what do you do with that feeling when you are awake, and it is a reality that makes you feel so exposed, so vulnerable, so flawed? What 'wakes you up' so to speak? What stops you spiralling uncontrollably down into a pit of despair?

Half of the problem is I am one of those women who was married to one of those men! You know the sort, on the surface and to all the external world they are Dr Jekyll, decent, law abiding, a good provider, a considerate and patient father, quite good looking, to all intents and purposes he would be considered ' a catch'. But behind closed doors they are Mr Hyde treating you like an imbecile, making you feel inadequate as  a mother, a wife, a women and sometimes even as a person. You know that sort of man. The sort who, after you've taken an hour to get ready for a night out, looks you up and down and says, 'Are you wearing that?' in a slightly contemptuous tone? Who walks in from work and hoovers before taking their coat off because they way you have done it doesn't come up to scratch! Or looks at you like you disdainfully when you suggest having a joint bank account because he thinks you just want to spend all his money?
It leaves its mark.
 I am sad to say after years of marriage (and even after years of being divorced) that sense of never being quite good enough has stayed with me. I don't hold my ex responsible for the way I am now, but he didn't help.

 Low self esteem is like a worm, that eats its way from the inside out. Slowly devouring all of your securities and assurances and shitting them out as insecurities and doubts. A bad marriage is fodder for the worm. But even once you rid yourself of the bad marriage, you still have a fat well fed arthropod to deal with. You can try starving it out, but it takes a long time before it shrivels sufficiently to disappear, if it ever does.
Even though  I found a man who adores me and makes me feel as though I am capable of conquering the world (I think he just fantasises about thigh high leather boots and being dominated!) I still carry this sense that I just don't cut it.

In fact I am getting worse. Despite having a reasonably successful career (so far) as a scholar I still feel as though one day soon, someone is going to whip back the curtain, a la the Wizard of Oz, and find out I am a sham, a fraud. The proud and glittering edifice will crumble leaving me exposed, naked and once more at the mercy of those jeering taunts.

I read prolifically in order to get the ideas to write, and every time I open the covers of yet another scholarly tome I find myself sinking deeper and deeper into my pit of self-doubt. How do they find the words to express themselves so clearly, so succinctly, so perfectly??? Where does this inspiration come from, and why, in comparison, does my prose squelch like a stale cow-pat under a sandal?

Now this swirling vortex of emotion has been triggered by the simple task of filling in my forms to return to University this October. Two little forms saying 'yes I am signing up' and 'yes I am doing my Ph.D' - it has set me off! Friends of mine, who have been through this journey with me, will read it and nod, thinking 'Uh-huh, it's that time of year again - here she goes'. Normally I am quite self- confident, out-going and assured. I genuinely believe I am more than capable of tackling most things that life throws at me and have done so in the past - so why does this happen every year??

Answers on a postcard please.




Afterword.
In two days time this post will embarrass me. I will sit and re-read it and wonder what the fuck possessed me to put myself out there, to basically strip off my own outer clothing/shell and sit naked and vulnerable in front of the eternal gaze of the interweb ... I may even delete it (unlikely as I hate deleting anything) so for blackmailing purposes I suggest you c&p it now whilst you still can!