Monday, 5 October 2009

The decisions we take...

... can have far reaching consequences. I made the move to a different university to do my masters because I thought it would be good for both my cv and my own personal development. I initially thought it was the best decision all round as I seemed to have landed on my feet, in a very supportive and nurturing academic environment.
However over the last year or so I get this increasing unease that I am the face that doesn't fit - the round peg in the square hole, the odd one out. I am occupying a liminal space!
True I am a slow burner and my progress isn't as explosive as some but I work hard and have commitment which deserves some recognition.
I keep hearing about supervisors who take their students out for lunch or coffee or drinks and yet I get an interview in a sterile office, with a luke warm cup of over brewed coffee if I am lucky - sometimes I don't even get offered that. Plus I get the sense that it will never be any different.
After Saturday's relative success I felt more at home with my old tutors ( all of whom turned out) than I ever have where I am ...

One of my old tutors made the effort to take me to one side to tell me how much she had enjoyed my writing, and how she knew I would make a successful career out of academia; she recalled one essay I wrote as brilliant. She is a leading expert in the feild I work in and responsible in many respects for me following the path I am. I am beginning to wonder if my time here is having more of a detrimental effect than a good one, seeing as the last time I got any praise was over 18 months ago. There is far too much stick and not enough carrot.
Is it too late to think I made a mistake and change back? Or would I be merely running away? I am always up for a fight but as I seem to be able to do nothing right where I am, I am wondering if I am wasting my time and energy even trying?

So today is a pretty shit day - once again feeling like I will never belong to anything!

I feel like I have run out of brilliance. Clearly I am having a bad day!

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